Tuesday 8 August 2017 by Pete Redfern

Conservatives to reduce pressure on maternity wards by introducing ‘one child policy’


Jeremy Hunt to introduce one-child policy

The Conservative party have come up with a novel and unique solution to the pressure facing maternity wards in England.

A Freedom of Information request by the Labour party has revealed that maternity wards across England were closed on 382 occasions last year, prompting the Tories to announce an entirely logical solution to the problem.

Health Secretary and apprentice grim-reaper Jeremy Hunt addressed reporters outside his massive house in the country, telling them, “Whilst it is regretful that maternity wards had to close their doors on so many occasions last year, the blame cannot be laid at the feet of the Conservative party.

“It is evident that this problem has been caused by people greedily wanting more than one child. If everyone just stuck to just the one child then we’d have midwives sitting around twiddling their thumbs.”

He continued, “The problem is not due to under-funding – it is due to the lower classes rutting away without using contraception.

“As such, and with immediate effect, we shall be limiting the number of children you are allowed to have to just one. As far as I am aware, this has never been done before and cannot fail.

“Any individual attempting to have more than one child will be imprisoned, with the exception of Jacob Rees-Mogg. We will need as much of his brilliant DNA in the British gene pool as possible.”

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