Saturday 5 August 2017 by Alex McNamara

‘Calm down dear, it’s only a recession’ plaque was a gift, insists twat who nonchalantly ruined the country


David Cameron plaque

Former UK Prime Minister David Cameron has insisted the arguably insensitive plaque spotted in his home reading ‘Calm down dear, it’s only a recession’, was in fact a gift from relatives with “a slightly Marmite sense of humour”.

“We’d take the damned thing down, I swear, but we never know when they’ll show up unannounced,” added Cameron.

“Of course I’d never personally make jokes about ruining the country. Especially considering that in the end, that’s exactly what I did. That would be in quite poor taste.”

“But on the other hand, the family would be so awfully offended if we took it down. We’re not insensitive people. It cost them a pretty penny, so I’m told.”

Mr Cameron went on to explain that “a pretty penny” actually translates to about £125,000, and that the plaque is lined with ‘100% genuine dole scrounger skin’.

“It was given to me to commemorate a successful Tory filibuster in the House of Commons, the one that stopped hospital staff getting free parking,” Cameron went on.

“I can see why the plebs might be annoyed, but of all the fucked up things I’ve done this is rather small potato.”

There were reportedly other areas of concern snapped within the Cameron household.

Including, but not limited to, a sacrificial altar surveyed by the statue of Margaret Thatcher that was originally commissioned for Parliament, and a small enclosure of pigs wearing lipstick and lingerie.

“It must be said, if you think that plaque is bad, you should see what Uncle Chester is having made to commemorate the Brexit referendum,” laughed Mr Cameron.

“A wall-hanging in the style of the Bayeux Tapestry, with me personally shitting all over the British Isles.”

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