Friday 4 August 2017 by Gary Stanton

Student who invented ultra-light washing machine has no intention of ever using one


Washing machine student inventor

A student who invented the super-light washing machine is still handing his laundry to his mother, it has emerged.

The new design by undergraduate, Simon Williams, uses refillable water vessels instead of concrete to provide stability and is the sort of thing any spawny bastard could have thought of, but didn’t.

Williams says he came up with the idea after climbing out of bed at four o’ clock in the afternoon to watch Countdown, for fuck’s sake.

Simon’s mother, Mrs Deidre Williams, said, “Simon brought forty-five kilos of washing home in two bin bags as a ‘proof of concept’.

“However, one noteworthy drawback of his ‘ingenious’ design is the machine’s apparent inability to fill its-fucking-self.”

Williams himself said, “It’s great news for mothers and women in general,”

He also sought to reassure frustrated housewives that the machines still perform ‘certain tasks’ as reliably as traditional machines, adding, “Don’t worry they still vibrate enough to bring you off.”

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