Thursday 3 August 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Epic train man-spread sees knees touch windows on either side of carriage


Manspread on train

A man has performed the most epic train-based man-spread of modern times by spreading his knees so far apart that they touched windows on either side of the carriage.

It is thought the man-spread effectively rendered three seats useless and put an entire carriage of people off their breakfast.

“Well, being a man, I love to spread my knees as far apart as possible for some reason,” said commuter Simon Williams, who almost certainly performs a middle-management function of such staggering irrelevance that it’s wonder he doesn’t just disappear in a puff of existential justice.

“That morning, I’d just finished watching an episode of Clarkson’s The Grand Tour on my Samsung and was feeling pretty good about myself so I leaned back and just spread ‘em.

“I think I was initially quite surprised when I noticed that each knee was touching a window on either side of the carriage, but then I remembered that I’m quite a man, and so that’s just pretty much how I roll.”

Mr Williams revealed that his man-spread hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“No, there was definitely a hot looking filly who was probably pretty impressed. I mean, she was immediately physically sick but I reckon that was just she’d eaten something dodgy, you know?”

Whilst Mr Williams man-spread is to be celebrated, Doctors generally caution against excessive man-spreading.

“We know of at least one case of man-spreading so extreme that his legs reversed, his knees face behind him and he has to walk backwards to get where he’s going.

“To be honest, he hasn’t got that much sympathy.”

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