Tuesday 1 August 2017 by Neil Tollfree

You could try masturbating to keep warm this winter, advises Ofgem


Ofgem advice

Ofgem has suggested that those concerned about fuel bills this winter should try masturbating to keep warm.

“The idea that we might do something about the price rises is quite fanciful, so it’s time for innovative solutions,” said a spokesperson the energy industry regulator.

“Masturbation is something that everyone can do; you do it, I do it, the people running British Gas are doing it constantly.”

There are calls each year for Government to help vulnerable people with fuel bills.

“Government handouts for this issue are not the solution, if you’ll pardon the pun,” explained a Whitehall insider.

“There are many innovative ways to approach the current situation, if you’ve got an old person living next door, why not do it for them and help keep you both warm?

“If you’re on benefits, perhaps charge a pound to do it for other people? But remember to declare any income, obviously.”

The Labour party was sceptical of the idea.

“I don’t see how fifteen seconds of frantic waggling can really help,” said Jeremy Corbyn.

But the initiative has been broadly welcomed by the public.

“Yeah, I mean, I always try to crack one out before I get out of bed,” said fervent masturbator Simon Williams.

“And, I’ve got to be honest, it does warm me up in the morning.”

The mood was best summed up by Kerry Greene of East Sussex, who said, “At least the energy industry has finally come out and admitted that it’s full of wankers.”

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