Friday 28 July 2017

Office twat clearly getting off on treating fire drill like real fire


Fire Marshall loving it

Office Administrator and self-appointed fire marshall Simon Williams could not be enjoying this fire drill more, according to reports.

Armed only with a fluorescent vest, a clipboard and the no-nonsense demeanour of a tyrannical medieval king, Williams has taken to bossing you about like a duck to water.

“Walk CALMLY to the rendezvous point!” screamed Williams through a loud-hailer apparently purchased just this morning while wearing a hard hat inside the office for some unfathomable reason.

“Follow my instructions, and we’ll ALL get out of this alive!” he continued, seemingly unaware that everyone in the office knew full well this was nothing more than a drill.

Finding one worker who stayed at his desk to talk to a customer, Williams shouted, “That’s it – you’re DEAD! Stay there! You are burned to a fucking crisp, disfigured beyond recognition and your family won’t recognise you – I hope you’re happy now!?”

As the test concluded and members of staff were allowed back to their desks to pick up precisely where they left off eleven minutes ago, Williams told us, “Look, I’m basically a fireman, which makes me a hero –  but I don’t want people to treat me any differently just because I’m clearly better than them.”

Managing Director Matthew Gordon told us, “Look, no-one else wanted to do it, and Simon pestered me every hour for an entire week to get the gig – the unpaid gig, I might add. He was desperate. Now I see why.

“Yes, it was a mistake, but the first excuse I get, he’s fired.”

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