Wednesday 26 July 2017 by Arabin Patson

Western civilisation wanking itself out of existence


Man watching porn on the sofa

Revelations that the sperm count of men in the West had dropped 60% over 40 years prompted fears that, should the trend continue, the spunk produced in OECD countries will soon only be useful as a mild adhesive.

Some fringe scientists have theorised that obesity, a sedentary lifestyle and exposure to chemicals are contributing factors, but the prevailing consensus is that the poor quality of Western spaff is due to advent of the Internet and the round-the-clock wanking marathon that has ensued.

The world’s foremost expert on jizz, Professor Simon Williams explained that until the late nineties men would pull their pud once a day, tops, and less than once a week after marriage.

“But now men can flick one off the wrist anytime, anywhere. The masturbation rhythm that was once the preserve of teenage boys is now the norm.

“It’s a quick jerk on the brekky ereccy in the morning then there’s the stress-relief tugs in the bogs at work.

“Back home, the second they’re are alone, men go on a jerking quest for ever newer spank material. Not to mention the bachelor’s sleeping pill.

“There is just so much porn and men feel the need to toss off at every conceivable subgenre there is. The human body is not designed to spooge 5-8 times daily for years on end. Eventually, the product will dilute.”

Historians have lamented that the chain of human growth that spanned Classical Antiquity, the Renaissance, the Enlightenment and the Silicon Age will end because men in rich countries seize every conceivable opportunity to get themselves off while staring at a screen.

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