Wednesday 26 July 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Viewing figures reveal that you are the only person in the country who didn’t watch Love Island


Love Island viewing figures

The viewing figures for the final episode of Love Island have revealed that it was watched by every man, woman and child in Great Britain, with the exception of you.

Initially, your own slightly self-satisfied cries of ‘I don’t watch that sort of thing, actually,’ were echoed throughout the country.

However, by Monday’s final episode, you were the final hold-out as everyone else had finally succumbed to the sight of reasonably nice, attractive young people wearing next to nothing having affairs in the sun.

It is understood that you didn’t watch Love Island as you wished to give the appearance of intellectual superiority, even though you spend your evenings pausing the dirty bits on Game of Thrones and then telling everyone the next day that you were watching something with subtitles on BBC4.

Colleagues and friends were stunned that your snobbery prevented you from joining in the fun.

“Didn’t watch it? I thought everyone watched it,” said the attractive HR rep who you thought quite fancied you.

“Even my dog was hooked by the end, it’s just a bit of fun. I don’t think I could get off with someone who couldn’t enjoy a bit of Love Island fun on the telly.

Further studies are expected to show that most people think you’re a bit of a boring bastard.

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