Wednesday 26 July 2017

Channel 5 steps up ratings war by commissioning ‘Intercourse Beach’


Channel 5 Intercourse beach

Channel 5 has stepped up its ratings war with ITV by commissioning a full season of ‘Intercourse Beach’.

The new show is being touted as the perfect entertainment programme for people who like to see intercourse on, or near, a beach.

Channel 5 executive producer Simon Williams told us,”We’ve listened to the people of the UK, and we now know what they want – and be under no illusion that we’re willing to debase ourselves in order to give it to them.

“Our new show, which was known as ‘Sand F*cking’ while in development, is essentially just pretty people rutting on a beach, but the real innovation we’re implementing is that we’re taking out all the boring talky bits.

“It’s now just 90 seconds of intro titles and sponsors, followed by twenty-five minutes of beach-based shagging between people who look like they’ve never eaten a carb and have just left the gym or the tanning salon.

“The good news is you won’t even get to know their names, that’s how much of the unnecessary waffle we’ve trimmed from other similar formats you might have seen on other channels.”

Fans have welcomed the announcement, claiming it’s about time we all stopped pretending TV is about anything other than sex.

As one viewer told us, “People like watching sex between attractive people, regardless of what they tell you, so I’m delighted that Channel 5 has stopped pussyfooting around these so-called reality show formats and is finally going for it.

“If it’s not sponsored by Kleenex I’ll eat my hat.”

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