Friday 21 July 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Canadian official slowly turning to stone after touching the Queen


Canadian turning to stone after touching the Queen

A top Canadian official is said to be ‘stable’ as he slowly turns to stone after touching the Queen at an official function yesterday.

Canada’s Governor General David Johnstone appeared to steady the Queen as she descended the steps outside Canada House and in doing so activated the ancient curse of the Windsors – ‘Should ye tuch the fkin of a Windfor, ye muft forever be af ftatue’ – It is understood the ‘s’ key was broken on the typewriter used to record the details of the curse.

“Yes, many people assume that one is not allowed to make contact with a monarch due to some stuffy old protocol issue,” said Royal sycophant Simon Williams.

“But it’s 2017, that would be absurd. No, it stems from the ancient curse of the Windsors that was placed on them by a thirteenth Century wizard called Barry the Wizard so they could be England’s final line of defence in the event of incursion by nefarious Europeans.

“Should the invaders touch them, they will turn to stone and thus, England can never fall.”

It is thought that this is where the old British tradition of not showing physical affection under any circumstance stems from.

Mr Johnstone isn’t the first prominent official to be turned to stone after touching the Queen. Michelle Obama was turned to stone after embracing the Queen in 2009.

Happily, she got better.

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