Friday 21 July 2017

‘Big Lemonade’ behind plot to crush plucky 5-year-old competitor


lemonade stand going out of business

A five-year-old lemonade stand owner has had her business shut down after a shady lemonade stand cartel pulled in a few favours from local government officials.

After noticing the effect on their own sales, big lemonade moved swiftly to shut down the budding competition using the government influence they have spent years developing.

A lemonade industry insider told us, “Lemonade is a cutthroat business, and we can’t just let people encroach on our territory and pinch our customers. You do not fuck with our business and expect to get away with it.

“We thought about sending a few of the boys round to smash the place up a bit, but why pay these local government officials all the bribes that we do if we can’t get them do a few favours for us?

“She was shut down, and no blood was spilt – you should all be pleased. Just let it go.”

Local officials have strenuously denied that they are in the pockets of big-lemonade, and insisted were merely enforcing normal business rules on the market’s newest competitor.

Councillor Simon Williams told us, “She didn’t have the correct paperwork, we had no choice. Whether we are, or are not, working closely with our legitimate business partners in the lemonade industry is completely irrelevant.”

Lemonade user Jake Matthews told us, “I just gotta get me some lemonade, I don’t care who’s selling it, I just need it.

“Can you fix me up man, please, just a sip.”

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