Friday 21 July 2017 by Gary Stanton

Bear found not guilty of shitting in the woods after hiring OJ Simpson’s defence lawyer


OJ Simpson's lawyer helps bear that shat in the woods

Brown bear, Simon Williams, has been found not guilty of defecating in a forest after employing OJ Simpson’s defence lawyer.

Williams, 25, allegedly used a patch of dense undergrowth in Bluebell Woods, Maine last April to offload his lunch before wiping his arse on a tree.

The prosecution claim Williams willfully ignored signs saying ‘No ball games or shitting’ and showed a callous disregard for local flora and fauna.

Chief prosecution witness, a deer known locally as Amanda Fletcher, claimed she heard a rustling noise and looked up to see Williams with his trousers round his ankles, reading The Daily Star.

Fletcher said, “Williams spent ages in there and, when confronted, he just laughed and said ‘I’d give it ten minutes if I were you’.”

In what should have been a gift to the prosecution, Fletcher managed to record the incident on her mobile phone.

The footage clearly shows Williams squatting in the undergrowth, although his furry anus is partly obscured by branches.

However, in a landmark ruling, presiding Judge Howard Dibble ordered the jury to acquit Williams.

“Although this is a bear taking what appears to be a shit in some woods, there are no paw prints because he was wearing gloves,” he told the court.

He added, “Williams has previously shown good character and has led a conflict-free life, if you don’t count salmon.”

The verdict represents another stunning victory for defence lawyer, John Goodier, who last year successfully defended the Pope over accusations that he practices Catholicism.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: