Tuesday 18 July 2017

Please stop revealing to everyone what a shower of shit we really are, Theresa May begs cabinet


Theresa May on leaks and back-stabbing

The prime minister has pleaded with her cabinet to stop leaking information to the press about how entirely incompetent everyone is.

As yet more stories appeared about disagreements at the top of the party on key elements of the government’s strategy, Theresa May pleaded with everyone concerned to keep it quiet.

A leaked document showed that she told cabinet members, “There is little point me pretending we’re a slick, well-oiled machine driving the country forward to a brighter future, because everyone knows that is complete bullshit.

“So the very least we can do is aim for a situation where people don’t see us as a bunch of incompetent back-stabbers who’d eat our own grandmother if it put a dent in the political ambitions of a rival.

“Yes, that might well be true; you know it, and they know it – but it would be nice if we stopped confirming it publicly every five bloody minutes.”

Voters have reacted with nonchalance to the latest revelations.

Conservative voter Simon Williams told us, “Look, I know they’re complete shits, but at least with shits you know they’re going to look after number one at all times – it’s predictable.

“Plus, I’m a middle-class white man, so things that are good for them are generally good for me too. It’s win-win.”

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