Saturday 15 July 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Various shitholes apply to become City of Culture 2021


Coventry city of culture

Five rubbish dwellings have applied for Britain’s ultimate pity-trophy.

The City of Culture is a tradition dating back a mighty nine years and is bestowed upon cities that are otherwise poor, unpleasant, or basically un-London in some other way.

“We’ve got some crackers this year, one of them is COVENTRY, the actual Coventry,” beamed Culture Awardist, Simon Williams.

“We like the provincial towns as it makes us look like we’re into them when actually the award is a chance for us to ignore them for longer, hence why we gave the previous award to Hull, which is best avoided at all costs.

“Stoke-on-Trent has thrown their hat in as well, and there’s literally nothing there. They’ll probably win.

“Then there’s a city called Paisley, which is in Scotland and shouldn’t really count, to be honest, but the fact they’ve had a go is cute. It’s like when Baldrick tries hard in Blackadder.”w

A spokesperson for Coventry City Council said, “we are very keen to win this award, or to win ANYTHING, quite frankly.

“We’ve painted all of our citizens in green and made them stand in the city centre.

“No idea why, but it’s the kind of bollocks those arty twats seem to jizz over.”

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