Saturday 15 July 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Government to turn to alchemy to balance Budget


Government to turn to alchemy

In order to raise enough money for spending plans, the Government intends to turn to the ancient science of alchemy; turning base metals into gold.

The Government has been forced to take action after their previous plan of ‘hoping it just sorts itself out’ has failed to generate the much-needed revenue.

“Michael Gove is our secret weapon,” said a Government insider in what is thought to be the first ever use of that sentence.

“For the past year, he has been holed up in his shed working hard to create gold from any old metal he had lying about.

“Apparently he has been successful once. Sadly, no one saw him, he can’t remember exactly how he did it, and he lost the gold that he created. But it definitely augers well for the future.”

It is thought that if the Government could successfully harness the power of alchemy, then the deficit could be cleared by Christmas and the entire country could be knee deep in gold by next summer.

Economists were sceptical.

“I’m not sure that relying on a made-up science is really a sound method of balancing the country’s books,” said Simon Williams, a Professor of Economics who really must have better things to do.

“That said, it’s no less plausible that a policy of Austerity, so best of luck to them.”

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