Wednesday 12 July 2017 by JS Harding

Washing machines in the kitchen caused the plague, insists Kirstie Allsopp


Kirstie Allsopp washing machines in the kitchen

Kirstie Allsopp has further enhanced her reputation as the enfant terrible of the world of white goods hygiene after she claimed that the bubonic plague began after a rubber seal went ‘all black and stinky’ on an early Hotpoint washing machine.

“It’s true,” roared the nosey, house-meddling TV presenter, after angry Twitterers vented their rage at her suggestion that keeping a washing machine in the kitchen is akin to keeping a compost heap in the fridge.

“I’ve been poring over the records of the Plague, and there’s a definite link between the first person to put a new-fangled Hotpoint HDB755 next to the mead fridge instead of in the utility room like any self-respecting 14th-century homeowner should have done.

“So fuck off.”

According to Allsopp, the first person to catch the Plague from their washing machine was Simeon Williams, a medieval quantity surveyor from Olde Luton Towne.

Allsopp continued, “I’m not saying that we should exhume Mr Williams’s ancient, disease-ridden bones and test them for the long-dead viruses… but we really should.

“It’s the only way to settle this Twitter conflab and ensure that common sense prevails.”

For their part, Hotpoint has issued a statement pointing out that they didn’t start manufacturing washing machines for “some 600 years after Ms Allsopp said we started the plague”, concluding that, “it’s almost as if she’s talking out of her arse.”

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