Sunday 9 July 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Tory successfully has sex with woman


Tory Party

The scientific community has reacted with astonishment to news emerging that a Tory has had actual sex with a lady.

For as long as anyone can remember, Tory young all spawned in pods within forests in the Home Counties, negating the need for Tories to attempt to mate with each other.

Instances of Tories managing to have actual sex with a lady are so rare as to be considered statistically negligible.

“If this is true, then it could represent a genuine leap forward for the Tory species,” said Simon Williams, professor of really unpleasant things at Oxford University.

“The average Tory will rarely attempt the act of intercourse because of a combination odiousness and arrogance that renders them unable to find any woman they believe good enough for them who doesn’t find them utterly repugnant.”

The last recorded time a Tory successfully had sex was in 1987 when a woman took complete leave of her senses and thought that having sex with a Tory might make for an amusing story for her friends.

Professor Williams, explained that there was no immediate need for concern.

“It’s almost certainly an anomaly,” he said

“But it bears closer investigation, if this behaviour catches on, then we could see an explosion in population within the Tory species, and that’s just dreadful news for everyone.”

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