Wednesday 5 July 2017 by Gary Stanton

Ed Sheeran quitting Twitter is like David Bowie dying all over again, agrees nation


Ed Sheeran quits Twitter

Ginger-haired guitar maestro Edward Sheeran’s hasty Twitter departure has been likened to David Bowie’s untimely death by a nation already on its knees.

For a kingdom fractured by terrorist atrocities and Andy Murray’s poor recent form, Sheeran’s uplifting tweets have been described as the glue that holds a fucked society together.

Now many fear his sudden absence from the virtual world will trigger a wave of unrest, like the one that followed Howard Jones lip-syncing on Top of the Pops.

A recent tweet aimed at Mr Sheeran referring him to as an ‘irritating ginger busker’ is believed to be the straw that finally broke the red-haired camel’s dishevelled back.

Twitter expert, Simon Williams, said, “It’s impossible to assess the effect this monstrous Twitter abuse has had on the psyche of a multi-millionaire platinum-selling ginger artist who’s probably having a threesome with a bag over his head as we speak.

“A negative comment on social media can be truly devastating – like waking up and finding a pig’s head outside your local mosque.”

Fifty-nine-year-old investment banker and Sheeran fan, Graham Heath, said, “Sheeran’s regular updates from the showbiz world are the primary reason I beat cancer. They help me put my life in some sort of context, even when he’s just retweeting stuff.”

He added, “It’s like Terry Hall from The Specials told David Bowie, Morrissey, and Mark E Smith to stand behind each other and shot them with a single bullet.

“And then turned the gun on himself.”

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