Tuesday 4 July 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Love Island producers to shake things up with introduction of hairy, intelligent man


Hairy man to join Love Island

The producers of Love Island are to shake things up with intelligence and body hair.

The “entertainment” programme has so far consisted of vapid, hairless individuals discussing nothing beyond who wants to rut with who and why.

“So it’s time for Simon,” said show-runner, Jay Cooper.

“Simon Williams is a particularly hirsute astrophysicist who enjoys reading for pleasure, and his favourite playwright is John Webster whereas the cretins we usually feature have never been to a play.”

“We’re really looking forward to their looks of abject confusion when they realise the newest member of their ranks isn’t some over-tanned washboard with the emotional and intellectual depth of a puddle.”

“Then he’ll start using words of more than one syllable and initiate conversations about philosophy, science and the arts. We reckon at least one of the others will faint.”

Simon Williams said, “Obviously this sort of thing is generally beneath me, as it is most people.

“That being said, most women don’t come near me because I’m physically repulsive; but the format of this show demands that they spend time with me.

“So, human contact for me, and education for them. It’s win-win.”

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