Thursday 29 June 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Government to stop buying Tower Block cladding at jumble sales


Jumble sale

The Government has announced that it is to abandon its policy of buying exterior cladding for high-rise tower blocks from jumble sales.

This month’s Prime Minister Theresa May made the announcement yesterday in the wake of tests showing that many tower blocks would have a better standard of fire safety if they were doused in petrol.

Currently, whenever a new tower block is built, Sajid Javid finds a nearby jumble sale and gets down there early so he can be first in the queue. When the doors open he runs over to the fireproof cladding section of the jumble sale and buys as much as he can for five pounds. Five pounds being roughly the budget for fire-safety in social housing.

There have been accusations that he only spends £4.80 and then treats himself to a cup of orange squash and a hobnob, but Mr Javid strongly denies this.

“Following the Grenfell Tower disaster,” said the increasingly absurd Mrs May, “ee recognise that we need to briefly appear to faintly give a toss about social housing until we can distract you pack of morons by being hateful about the French.

“As such, with immediate effect, we will no longer be buying cladding for tower blocks from Jumble Sales.”

It is expected that the Government will now get the cladding from eBay, Amazon marketplace, or some bloke they met in the pub.

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