Wednesday 28 June 2017 by Gary Stanton

Britain’s coffee fans happy to drink any old shit, finds new study


Iced Coffee

British coffee drinkers can’t get enough of iced coffee drinks laced with human faeces, a study has found.

Scientists discovered that loyal customers of the popular chains Caffe Nero and Starbucks were found to contain healthy levels of gut bacteria – from somebody else’s gut.

The findings come as many coffee fans reported feeling sick after paying more than a fiver for a cup of over-sweetened muddy slime.

Meanwhile, the high street coffee vendors hope to cash in on their staff’s poor anal hygiene regimes by launching a range of faeces-based brands, guaranteed to keep you up all night.

Starbucks spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “For just £4.99 our customers can enjoy a Shitty Latte with their Blueberry Muffin.”

“Alternatively, why not try our Coprocinno or a delicious Faecal Frappe with lashings of extra caramel.

“All our stores now operate on that basis that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, although our lawyers insist we tell you that in rare circumstances it can actually kill you.”

Starbucks customer and loyalty card holder, John Goodier, said, “Mmm, sounds delicious. Can you do that decaf?”

Despite a queue of five people building up behind him, he added,

“Actually, I’ve changed my mind. Can I get that skinny? Got to watch those calories!”

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