Tuesday 27 June 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Piers Morgan wondering how much he’ll get from new Tory policy of ‘giving money to hateful shits’


Piers Morgan

Telly wanker Piers Morgan reckons he could be in line for a few grand, given the latest programme of government handouts.

In the wake of the Theresa May’s billion pound deal with the DUP, the chatshow host cum worst human in the world is wondering what prime minister might give him to be agreeable.

“He reckons he’s at least as big a cunt as most of the DUP, and frankly so do I,” said Piers’ agent, Simon Williams.

“That billion pounds seems to be earmarked solely to ensure that these people will be only as cunty as the Tory government, and that’s a concession Piers is equally happy to make in exchange for money – although he’s equally happy for most things in exchange for money, including-but-not-limited-to mild bestiality.”

“We look forward to hearing from Downing Street in due course.”

A spokesperson for Downing Street said “yeah, no.”

“We’ve pretty much dried up the budget for dealing-with-cunts at this stage, along with our own patience for actually talking to them.

“It’s hard enough smiling and nodding along to a group of homophobic church-a-ma-loons, let alone having to look at Piers Morgan’s fucking face.

“However, he is welcome to try again next year when the budget is refreshed.”

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