Monday 26 June 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Regular coffee drinkers ‘should switch to Cocaine’ for morning boost


Man drinking coffee

Coffee has probably stopped working if you’re drinking loads of it.

Scientists have discovered that regular bean-sippers have probably numbed themselves to the energising effects of caffeine and are probably better off starting the day with a thick line of gak instead.

“It’s a drug, but then so is caffeine, so it’s fine,” concluded Dr Simon Williams

“Our studies showed that a line of coke leads to a huge rise in productivity for the following hour, followed by a bit of a slump around lunchtime.

“So, basically, exactly the hit you used to get from your coffee.

“God knows what happens once you get accustomed to cocaine. We’ll probably have to look at getting a decent night’s sleep or something instead.”

Office worker, Jay Cooper, said, “I tried a line of coke for the first time this morning.

“It’s made me do things a lot more quickly, but with a lot less care, which is still an improvement as previously I just sat there staring at the screen until being told I can go home.”

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