Wednesday 21 June 2017 by Gary Stanton

Dinosaurs deliberately left out of Queen’s speech


Queen's Speech

Following negotiations between the Conservatives and the DUP, any reference to the dinosaurs will be carefully omitted from the forthcoming Queen’s speech.

The news follows reports that the speech was set to be one of the most dinosaur-heavy in recent years, causing the DUP delegation to storm out of talks.

In particular, the DUP were angered by references to ‘tackling the brontosaurus of public debt’ and the soaring pterodactyl of inflation.

The DUP’s Arlene Foster is also furious at a section that describes the stalled Brexit negotiations as a ‘mammoth task ahead’.
Foster said, “Although we are loyal to the Queen, how can any sane person make explicit mention of the immovable Stegosaurus of the overseas aid budget?

“Do not take our support for granted.”

The hastily-rewritten speech is expected to announce a National Living Wage, a softer Brexit and for all copies of Jurassic Park to be recalled.

According to science, the dinosaurs were fierce creatures with big fuck-off teeth that roamed Northern Ireland millions of years before the birth of Ian Paisley.

But new research casts doubt on the asteroid theory of dinosaur extinction, with evidence suggesting the province’s last remaining Diplodocus was executed by the IRA.

Meanwhile, Theresa May denied she has been influenced by the DUP’s more socially conservative agenda.

“In its first term of office my government will expose the gaps in the fossil record, abolish The Flintstones and save Ulster from sodomy,” she told us.

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