Tuesday 20 June 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Actual Sun almost as unbearable as The Sun newspaper


The Sun

The celestial sun is proving to be especially hard work today.

Temperatures in the UK are reaching a whopping 32 degrees, with many pundits agreeing this makes it almost as hard to process as a quick skim through the Sun Newspaper.

“Last night I was rolling around in bed trying to get comfortable, but it was just no good, I couldn’t sleep,” said citizen, Simon Williams.

“I just couldn’t get the consistent stupidity of The Sun newspaper out of my head; the implied racism, the hypocrisy, the fact it took so long to fire Kelvin Mackenzie… just makes my blood boil.

“I mean, it was quite toasty as well due to this incessant heat coming from the actual sun, which obviously didn’t help.

“But the constant and ever-increasing heat from a burning ball of gas at the centre of our solar system is nowhere near as scary as The Sun’s claimed circulation figures. It saddens me to think how many people actually read this tripe.

“Everyone knows that you shouldn’t stare directly at the actual sun because it can make you go blind, but you rarely hear anyone warning that staring at the Sun newspaper can make you much, much stupider.”

Elizabeth King said, “I use The Sun newspaper to fan myself, due to the heat from the actual sun.

“Since we all stopped using newspaper to wrap fish and chips, it’s about the only useful application I can find for such a rag – except the odd emergency when the Andrex runs out.”

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