Monday 19 June 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Nobody slept last night


nobody slept last night

Absolutely nobody got a good night’s kip, according to sources this morning.

Reports are coming in that an unusually close night’s temperature meant that most Brits had an even more uncomfortable and sticky Sunday night than your mum did.

“I didn’t so much sleep as pass out for an hour,” confirmed office worker, Simon Williams.

“I won’t be much use to anybody today – I mean, y’know, less so. I’m pretty lazy on a general level.”

Construction worker, Jay Cooper, said “we brought the big fan into the bedroom last night. That’s when you know it’s serious.

“But the problem with that is it just blows hot air around, so essentially it just made our room hot, windy and noisy where once it was just hot.

“I’m up the scaffold today so it’s pretty vital I stay awake for my own safety and that of those around me, hence why I’m on my seventeenth red bull of the morning.

“I’ll either die of sun exposure or an exploding heart but either way, I’ll die doing what I love.”

The Met Office released a statement simply saying “we’re knackered. We can’t be arsed to talk down to you. It’s really fucking hot. Pop a hat on.”

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