Monday 12 June 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Theresa May performs black magic ceremony to resurrect Michael Gove


Michael Gove back in government

Theresa May, Prime Minister and chief emissary of Satan on Earth, has used an arcane black magic ceremony to resurrect the career of Michael Gove.

Using the blood of some former Chiefs of Staff, the Prime Minister sacrificed Secretary of State for Justice Liz Truss to the Dark Gods of Conservatism in order to bring Michael Gove back to life.

By performing this blood rite, Mrs May hopes that the resurrected Michael Gove will be bound to her for eternity by the ancient Tory laws of evil.

“I can confirm that the black magic ceremony took place at Number 10 over the weekend,” said an imp in thrall to Mrs May.

“The chiefs of staff had been freshly slaughtered earlier that day, and their blood was still fresh, Liz Truss was sacrificed on the ancient Tory altar of self-interest, and Michael Gove returned from the endless dark place that must not be spoken of.

“Then everyone had a glass of sherry and some Pringles; it was a very nice do.”

It is understood that, even if it were desirable to resurrect David Cameron from the endless dark place that must not be spoken of, there isn’t enough blood in the world to successfully generate the enormous amount of black magic that would be required to do so.

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