Wednesday 7 June 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Endangering national security naughtier than running through wheat, prime minister told


Theresa May ran through wheat field

Theresa May has been reminded that slashing police numbers to dangerously low levels is much more naughty than pegging it through a wheat field.

The Prime Minister was asked to name the naughtiest thing she had ever done, and gave the incredibly tame answer of “running through a wheat field” rather than confessing to a hideous sex act like a normal person.

“Or slashing our numbers to the point we’ve got the army lending a hand,” suggested Officer Simon Williams of the London Metropolitan Police.

“I haven’t slept in two days and my next shift begins four minutes before my current shift ends. I think I’ve got a wife and kids at home but buggered if I can remember their names or faces.

“So… yeah. The creation of this situation despite multiple warnings from professionals is probably slightly more naughty than the fucking Famous Five chapter cum 80s Weetabix advert she’s currently offering as her greatest sin.

“Plus she’s posh; I don’t believe for one moment she hasn’t wanked off a farm animal for a laugh.”

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