Tuesday 6 June 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Tories stunned as policies to make people’s lives nicer prove popular


Theresa May eating chips

There has been continued shock and surprise within the Tory party as a selection of policies designed to improve the lives of the majority of people prove popular with the majority of people.

Labour policies, including paying people enough to live, not having nuclear wars, and letting foxes go about their business without being torn to bits by rich people’s dogs, were initially thought far too controversial to gain any traction with the public.

However, they have, to the shock of many inside the Tory party, actually proved incredibly popular as it seems that many people would prefer to have nice lives rather than difficult and unpleasant ones.

“It’s certainly caught us on the hop,” said a Tory party spokesperson.

“I mean, making people’s lives nicer? That’s not something we’d really ever considered trying to do.

“Frankly, it sounds like an awful lot of hard work, and we’ve never really had to bother doing that before.”

“We just mutter something about perhaps not putting taxes up and everyone does as they’re told.”

While there is a fear that the policies may prove popular enough to mean the Tories don’t win an outright majority in the coming election, that isn’t the nightmare scenario for the party.

“No, that would be bad,” continued the spokesperson.

“But the real problem would be the next election when we’d be expected to come up with polices to make people’s lives nicer ourselves.”

“We’re Tories, for heaven sake, we’re just not built for that.”

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