Thursday 1 June 2017 by Arabin Patson

Paul Nuttall could have won debate, but held back because he ‘didn’t want to hurt people’


Paul Nuttall

UKIP has issued a statement that Paul Nuttall could have easily trounced his opponents in last night’s debate, but ‘held back’ as he had taken an oath not to kill when he achieved his 15th Dan in debating.

In support, Nigel Farage told his listeners that even though everyone in Cambridge that night was from the Socialist Workers Party, Nuttall spared his rivals.

“His mouth is a registered weapon. He told me he has to go to the police station every year and show it to them.

“He even let the biased camera crew off. He models for Armani during holidays, but they used CGI to make him look like a prosthetic bollock with glasses.”

The BBC denies sabotaging Mr Nuttall or replacing his ‘brilliant Churchillian lines’ by the kind of tired cliches spouted by every tragic morning drinker in flat-roofed pubs.

“We conceded to all his demands. We provided extra towels to mop up his sweat. We certified his tuna and tomato ciabatta was not halal.

“We even denied Amber Rudd’s demand to change podium because he creeped her out.”

Ms Rudd, an intern from the Conservative Party, confirmed the BBC’s version of events.

She claims Nuttall frightened her by asking her repeatedly if she wanted to join him at his WW2 re-enactment event, but never making eye contact.

Nuttall eventually left her alone to beg Tim Farron for a lift home because “the Impreza is in rally spec at the moment and isn’t road legal because no police car can catch it”.

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