Thursday 1 June 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Arsene Wenger lovingly strokes binder of compromising photographs


Arsene Wenger

Arsene Wenger is today thanking his lucky stars that he hired a private investigator to tail Arsenal’s board of directors.

The underperforming yet seemingly invincible Arsenal manager is to stay on at the club for a further two years, despite winning only the occasional FA Cup here and there.

“And if we’re honest, nobody cares about that,” confirmed Arsenal director Simon Williams.

“It’s only the fact that he has a photo of me with my wife’s sister that he’s staying on.

“And that’s mild. You should see what some of the others have been up to. I don’t want to give too much away but let’s just say it’s best that the Pope never finds out about it.”

A spokesman for Wenger said, “Arsene is very happy to be staying with the club for another two years.

“He thanks the board of directors for their wise decision and reassures them that he has several back-up files in the cloud that are linked to his pulse rate, ready to be shared with the world should it ever cut out.

“For an older football manager he’s surprisingly good at technology. And evil.”

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