Tuesday 30 May 2017 by Andrew

Plane kept aloft solely by man gripping armrests


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A Boeing 747 flying from Heathrow to New York today was kept aloft solely by the man in 34D gripping his armrests for the duration of the flight.

Despite its highly-trained crew, sturdy fuselage, four engines, multiple redundant hydraulic systems and numerous other safety features, everyone on board was spared from certain death due to the armrest-gripping actions of 37-year-old Briton Simon Williams.

Interviewed on arrival at JFK Airport, Williams said, “This plane may have an incredible safety record, but I wasn’t taking any chances.

“If I hadn’t sat there white-knuckled for seven hours solid, not even getting up to use the toilet, I just know we would have plunged straight into the Atlantic Ocean.”

On leaving the airport, Mr Williams got into a taxi, but didn’t bother putting his seat belt on as he wasn’t going far.

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