Saturday 27 May 2017 by JS Harding

Sausage purists bracing themselves for long weekend of poorly barbecued bangers


burned sausages

With the hot weather showing little sign of abating and temperatures set to soar over the Bank Holiday weekend, experts have predicted that barbecue owners around the land will be keen to demonstrate their inability to cook sausages.

They went on to claim that most of them will end up incinerated, dangerously undercooked or some kind of under/overcooked hybrid that can both burn unsuspecting diners’ tongues and go on to cause several days of shitting through the eye of a needle.

The Sausage Lovers of Britain (SLOB) have expressed their concern regarding the mistreatment of their favourite tubed meat via their spokesman, Simon Williams.

“I’m not sure how they do it, but there have been eyewitness reports from some of our most reputable aficionados claiming that, due to the ‘chef’ deciding to grill his sausages over a miniature inferno that could melt the Antarctic, the reckless burning of perfectly decent bangers has seen specimens being served up of a Satanic blackness that require holy water to be dowsed upon them to rid them of the devil inside,” moaned Williams in a very long, whiny sentence.

“This also stops our tongues getting horribly burnt.

“But SLOB are here to help. We will show you how to bring your barbecue to the ideal temperature; we’ll demonstrate how to turn the sausages at regular time points.

“And, most importantly of all, we’ll hide your beers so you’re not completely shitfaced by the time you eventually get the bloody thing lit.”

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