Friday 26 May 2017 by Richard

Total female nudity “would boost all women’s vitamin D” says UKIP


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Just hours after proposing a burqa and niqab ban on the grounds that it would boost Muslim women’s vitamin D levels, UKIP have revised their manifesto to include a “mandatory public nudity” clause for all women.

Leader Paul Nuttall said, “If removing face coverings would increase Muslim women’s vitamin D levels, then imagine how much vitamin D all women would get by removing all their clothes.

“Quite a lot, I’d imagine.”

Mr Nuttall then went quiet for a few moments before an aide nudged him and he highlighted some more benefits to women being naked all the time, including cutting NHS waiting times as women would no longer waste time undressing for examinations.

“Facial veils also put up barriers to communication,” he added.

“But 78% of communication is body language, so imagine how much better we’d understand women if they removed all their clothes.

“Quite a lot, I’d imagine.

“We could also make defence cuts by not buying female soldiers uniforms, and cut arts spending as there would be no need to hire specialist nude models.”

Challenged that women might find this rather cold, Nuttall said that UKIP would just install patio heaters everywhere as global warming was a myth.

“Also, just a burqa and niqab ban was apparently ‘discriminating against Muslims’.

“But don’t worry, we’ll find other ways to do that.

“Quite a lot, I’d imagine.”

 

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