Friday 26 May 2017 by Arabin Patson

Pupils left reeling by shocking reports of teacher seen outside of school


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The schoolchildren of St Simon’s Primary school in Uttoxeter were stunned by the news that Miss Williams, form tutor for Year 5, was spotted in the Fox and Hounds pub on Sunday.

Kieron Tinnock, a Year 6 Clash of Clans expert and skateboard aficionado, has declared that he saw the teacher in the pub when his family went there for a Sunday roast. Having solemnly sworn on his mum’s life that his tale was true, the young man regaled his peers with further shocking news that he saw her laughing boisterously with other grown-ups and even say “bollocks” after she spilled her wine.

7-year-old Amandine Rezian has said her fellow students were still trying to come to grips with the the sudden revelation.

“We just assumed the teachers were kept in the school like the science lab hamsters. But this means they are out there, in the city. They could be anywhere. I chew gum outside of the school!”

A special unit of chess club members has been created to investigate the theory that teachers are human beings with homes and social lives. They will also look into the mysterious liquid teachers keep in a flask and regularly add to their coffee.

However, mystery still surrounds why the gym teacher and the headmistress were seen wrestling in their underwear in her office before getting very cross and giving lines to Derek Randall for not knocking before entering.

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