Friday 26 May 2017 by JS Harding

Nation gasps as motorists and cyclists agree to coexist in peace


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The ancient war which has raged between motorists and cyclists since time immemorial is over, a stunned nation has been told.

“It’s true – the complete arseho… I mean, respectable fellow road user that I was about to scream ungodly abuse at for veering 0.2 of an inch out of the cycle lane earlier today, somehow managed to temper the internal rage which I carry with me everywhere I go, just with an apologetic hand movement”, said ‘reformed’ cyclist hater Simon Williams.

“Instead, I put on my most kindly face and beckoned for my cycling counterpart to join me in the upcoming layby.”

A meeting of age-old enemies alongside one of the most feared battlegrounds in their dark history – some country lane near Leeds – would normally augur scenes more at home in a Normandy landings documentary, or feature varying degrees of handbags at 12 paces.

However, the cyclist in question, Pete Newman, described how he felt a similar, spiritual awakening to that of Mr Williams, and instead of trading insults, the two traded tearful smiles, an embrace and some awkward mumbling about finding each other on Facebook.

“And to think that I was planning to veer out to 0.3 or even 0.4 of an inch, just to wind him up,” said Newman.

Williams and Newman believe that the inspirational example of friendliness displayed to a disbelieving world could well bring out harmony in Brexit Britain, help achieve peace in the Middle East and probably kick-start “some gay porn spin off, too”.

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