Friday 26 May 2017 by Pete Redfern

French kissing to be renamed ‘tongue jousting’ after Brexit


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The act of romantically swapping saliva with your loved one is to be renamed ‘tongue jousting’ after the United Kingdom’s withdrawal from the European Union.

Under immense pressure from Theresa May and prominent Brexiteers to ‘take back control’ in all aspects of British life, linguists from Oxford University have reluctantly agreed to find specifically British alternatives to any phrases in daily use that may have European connotations.

Eleanor Gay, a lecturer in daft English colloquialisms told reporters, “Faced with a large number of European-related phrases to change, we thought we’d start with this one because there’s not a lot of evidence that tenderly sticking your tongue in someone’s mouth was necessarily unique to the French in the first place.

“We started off by drawing up a shortlist, which included ‘tonsil tennis’, ‘slippy-dipping’, ‘gob-jabbing’, ‘saliva-diving’ and ‘eel-wrestling’.

“But then we decided to settle on ‘tongue jousting’, as we believe this to better encapsulate the essence of English nobility that comes with thrusting your tongue down someone’s throat.”

Brexit moron and convenient mouthpiece Simon Williams responded, “Well this is splendid news, and a much needed step in the right direction.

“It needed to be renamed to be more British, definitely.

“When I’m invading my wife’s mouth with my tongue I want to be thinking of Queen Elizabeth and Nigel Farage, not some random Frenchie.”

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