Friday 19 May 2017 by Dan Sweryt

Tories decide kids no longer need free school meals now they’re being so well-fed by food banks


Theresa May foodbanks and school meals

The Conservative party has pledged to remove free school meals for all children in primary school because they’re all being so well fed at the local food banks.

Tory policy adviser Simon Williams, said, “Don’t worry, we’ve completely thought this through.

“We were sat around in Cabinet and brainstorming a few ideas about what to put in the manifesto when – and I’m very proud of this creativity – I myself suggested that we take away free school meals for all primary school children.

“At first there was quiet. But then I told them: ‘Don’t worry, none of them can vote!’

“At which point, every single minister – bar none – jumped to their feet shouting ‘YES!’ and applauded.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg even screamed a guttural ‘YUUURRRRR!’ and fist-pumped as though he’d just watched Hasselhoff in Baywatch. I’ve literally never seen him so happy.

“Free school meals have disgracefully undermined the Conservative’s indifferent stance on poverty for the last few years.

“We also very much like the ability to control those masses now that no-one believes in religion anymore, and this is critical in that respect.

“Our – and I use the term with the greatest of affection – scumbag voters say that people who can afford to pay for school meals should do so, not realising that the Thatcher-era parents of today’s children are already lacking not only knowledge and experience of nutritious food but also massive amounts of calcium. Meaning they simply don’t have the strength to get to a Polling Station to protest.

“Don’t forget, poverty and ill-health attract disease and rats, which at least means it stays within those areas and doesn’t spread to my estate, which is the main thing in a Britain that’s fairer for everyone.

“Under the Tories, there is literally no such thing as a free lunch.”

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