Friday 19 May 2017 by Gary Stanton

Theresa May appoints Rolf Harris as Minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure


Rolf Harris

Theresa May has appointed kiddies’ entertainer Rolf Harris as Minister for Arts in a move designed to keep him off the streets.

The one-time ‘nation’s favourite uncle’ was banged up like a slag after being convicted in 2014 of a string of offences no one could quite believe, including drawing a shit picture of the Queen.

However, the antipodean nonce was released from Stafford Prison earlier today with the brief of raising the appreciation of the arts in public life.

He was accompanied by two security guards, an easel and more than fifty cans of Dulux emulsion.

Harris leaves behind an entire wing of inmates skilled in the use of light and the broad brush technique he made famous, especially in relation to scenes typical of the Australian outback.

Although his political inclinations are known to be centrist, the artist is said to be delighted at the surprise appointment and insists he is looking forward to getting back to what he does best.

Meanwhile, swimming pools in his adopted home town of Maidenhead area have been instructed to implement a strict one-in-one-out policy.

When asked as to whether he was looking forward to the new role, Harris said, “Oo-oo-ah-oo-oo-ah-oo-oo-ah-oo-oo-ah.”

Forced to defend the shock decision under criticism from Labour, the Prime Minister said, “This Conservative government strongly believes in the power of rehabilitation and so I am delighted to welcome back an offender from all our childhoods.

“Can you guess who it is yet?”

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