Friday 19 May 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Robert Mueller found bound, gagged, and shot in an alley behind Trump Tower


Trump Tower

Former FBI chief Robert Mueller’s hooded, bound corpse has been found alongside the trash behind Donald Trump’s skyscraper in New York.

“It’s early days,” said Police Chief Chuck Williams.

“But I had to guess, Mr Mueller was slain gangland style. Probably the result of upsetting the wrong person, you know what I’m saying.”

In an unrelated incident, Mr Mueller had yesterday been selected to lead the special counsel charged with investigating Russian influence on the recent Presidential election.

He went missing shortly afterwards, after being followed into the bathroom by several large men, one who bore a striking resemblance to Steve Bannon.

“Hey, we here in the White House are shocked and dismayed at this senseless slaying of this guy. This Mueller,” said Mr Trump after hearing the news.

“You know, no matter how disrespectful he was.”

Mr Trump pledged to help bring Mr Mueller’s killers to justice.

“I got a lot of friends amongst New York’s finest,” he said.

“And they know that if they make sure the right person gets pinched for this, I’ll be grateful. Very grateful.”

He ended with a thought on the killing.

“Listen, I’m not saying the little rat deserved to get popped, but if this sends a message that perhaps certain people need to be treated with a little more respect then maybe that’s no bad thing.”

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