Tuesday 16 May 2017 by Arabin Patson

Trump did not murder teenage prostitute, says White House spokesman without being asked


White House press secretary

Journalists in the White House press pool have been left confused by several statements denying the President committed crimes no one has yet accused him of.

Brett Trask, the presidential adviser on environmental matters, read the following statement after being quizzed on the future of the EPA.

“At no point in the past seven years, has President Trump travelled to Managua and strangled Maria Chacon, a fifteen-year-old sex worker, with a 4-foot length of waxed paracord.”

This follows a strong but perplexing denial by HR McMaster that Donald Trump had amassed a large collection of stolen art including some traceable to victims of the Third Reich.

The strongly worded rebuttal was issued after a journalist asked the national security advisor about what kind of records were kept during recent meetings with Russian officials.

Seasoned political observers have speculated that the recent flurry of odd denials might be due to an intern distributing the ‘Pending’ press releases to Trump Administration officials.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer was unavailable for comment as he is still refusing to come down from the cypress tree he climbed up on Sunday.

However, a Fox News journalist has managed to get him down to the lower branches by singing John Denver songs and holding up pieces of pound cake on the end of a garden rake.

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