Tuesday 16 May 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Tories offer you time off to care for your sick relatives so they won’t have to


Theresa May NHS care budget

The Tories will guarantee up to a year off work for people to care for sick relatives so that the Tories don’t have to do any actual ‘caring’ themselves.

“Fundamentally, we Tories don’t really do caring,” said Prime Minister Darth Theresa May.

“So, by giving you peasants the opportunity to take a year off – unpaid, naturally – to ‘care’ then we can stay out of the whole ghastly business.

“You doing something for free is much cheaper than me paying some foreign nurse minimum wage to do it, obviously.”

It is expected that the caring would be done in the employee’s private dwelling, giving the chance to reduce the burden on the NHS.

“No one wants to close down hospitals,” continued Mrs May.

“Except me, I bloody love it. By getting people to care for the sick in their own homes, I should be able to close loads of them.”

Mrs May was clear that she wasn’t worried about the lack of medical training amongst those expected to care for sick relatives.

“Well, that’s why we’re giving them a year off, I should have thought that will be plenty of time to swot up on how many Aspirin to doll out and which button makes the bed go up and which makes it go down.

“Other than that, I would imagine it’s mainly cleaning up wee.”

It is currently uncertain if the home-carers will be expected to do any surgery on their sick relatives, it will likely depend on what tools they have in the shed.

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