Tuesday 16 May 2017 by Gary Stanton

Diane Abbott pledges Labour will upgrade hospital IT systems to Windows nine and three quarters


Diane Abbott

Diane Abbott has pledged to upgrade the NHS’s existing IT systems to MS Windows 9.75 with sixty-twelve bits of RAM.

Abbott has calculated that with more efficient IT systems in place, hospital waiting lists could be reduced from two years to as little as eighteen minutes and two-hundredths of a second.

The Home Secretary insists she has done a full costing and her figures more than add up. Twice, in fact.

Abbott said, “One computer and mouse pad for a ward containing six point five beds and a king size at a cost of twenty-five pounds each makes fiveteen thousand, even if cancer.

“This doesn’t include the money we get back from trading in Windows XP. So a fiver, roughly.

“For a hospital the size of Staffordshire, I’m left with a surplus of seventy-teen trillion that we can spend on the catering.”

She added, “No – hang on. That’s five factorial over n to the power of n minus one. So eight – in layman’s terms.

“I took the trouble of running a standard deviation on this and it came back with two point four to the sigma – that kind of ball park figure.”

After a lengthy pause, she concluded, “Then there’s the extra eleventeen we get from abolishing hospital parking.”

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