Monday 15 May 2017 by Dan Sweryt

Microsoft advises customers to avoid paying hackers lots of money by paying lots of money to Microsoft


Windows updates

A company that wrote insecure software suggests paying them a massive amount of money to avoid paying some hackers a lot less money.

Microsoft’s insecure spokesman, Simon Gates-Williams, said, “Obviously, we’ve written some insecure software that we no longer support.

“People paid an awful lot of money for that software, and we’d like to publicly wash our hands of our responsibility to the 99% of the world that uses our systems because of a lack of competition rules back in the 90s.

“For supported software, we released Windows updates regularly. Now, as everyone knows, all each of these updates actually does, is slow your system down by 5 seconds, so it appears it’s getting slower and slower as time goes on, forcing you to upgrade. But, occasionally, we do actually fix a security flaw.

“But what people need to understand is that if we wrote completely secure software, we wouldn’t be able to make any more money by releasing new software.

“Think about it: if it worked properly the first time, well, that’s not really a good business model, is it?

“This way, we get more cash from the users, but also, our insecurities are propping up the entire security software industry. Now, no-one wants a whole industry to go tits-up, do they? Think of the jobs and the picket lines and probably Arthur Scargill.

“So, what we’ll do is this: we promise to write some very slightly more secure software, that you can then pay us gazillions of moolah to – eventually successfully – install on your computers, then we can go through this whole rigmarole all over again in two years’ time when we ‘desupport’ this one.”

Apple users said ‘Phew!’ mistaking software that is not nearly as popular nor cost-effective to hack, as ‘secure’.

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