Thursday 11 May 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Crown Prosecution Service to pre-exonerate Tory party from all future wrong-doing.


CPS decide not to prosecute Tories over election spending

The Crown Prosecution Service has announced that, in order to save time, it will be pre-exonerating the Tory party from all future scandals.

The move follows the decision not to prosecute Tory party members over electoral fraud. This followed the decision to not prosecute the Tory party over its cover-up of the Hillsborough disaster, which follows the decision not to prosecute over the child abuse scandal, and so on.

“Well look, we’re not going to charge the Tory party with anything, ever. We’re not allowed. We’ve been told,” said CPS director Alison Saunders.

“So, really it’s about finding the most efficient method of not prosecuting them.

“Initially we’d planned to just exonerate all Tory party members once a year in a batch for anything they’d done. You know, maybe December just a few of us in a room, working through everything in one hit.

“We could have a little template set up – ‘The CPS choose not to charge X over the Y scandal that cost the taxpayer Z millions of pounds’.

“In the end though, we thought it would be more efficient to pre-exonerate them from wrong-doing. So in January each year we will make the following statement – ‘The CPS will not be charging the Tory party, or any Tory party member with any wrong-doing for the following 12 months. So go nuts’ – and then we can all just get on with our lives.”

Theresa May is said to be satisfied with the plans although it is understood that her preferred option was to rename to Crown Prosecution Service to the Crown Prosecution of people who aren’t Tories Service.

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