Wednesday 10 May 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Kelvin Mackenzie’s ‘leaving do’ just him having a cry-wank


Kelvin Mackenzie

Kelvin Mackenzie’s leaving bash turned sad quite quickly.

The former editor of The Sun and current tosspot was finally fired from his column at the “newspaper” after comparing a footballer of black heritage to a gorilla.

“Then he went and bought a big cake and loads of booze and set it up in a room in the office, but nobody turned up,” confirmed Simon Williams.

“He broke down in mildly racist tears and then just lay down on the floor and started wanking. Ironically, that’s the exact way I’d expect a gorilla to respond to loneliness.

“As a Liverpool supporter, and indeed a decent human being with a basic love of people, I obviously found it fucking hilarious.

“Plus he left the cake behind, which I took home to the kids – after giving it a bit of a wipe, obviously.

“I wasn’t actually there; I only saw because I’m the security guard and I watched it on the CCTV feed. The recording is available to the highest bidder.

“Excuse me, I need to go and wash off at least some of this schadenfreude.”

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