Tuesday 9 May 2017 by Neil Tollfree

No one surprised Theresa May supports animals tearing apart other animals for fun


Theresa May fox hunting

In the least surprising development of the election so far, Theresa May shocked no one at all by declaring that she supports animals being ripped apart by other animals for the enjoyment of rich people

Mrs May cackled delightedly as she said that “personally, I’ve always been in favour of fox-hunting,” to a bunch of terrified workers at a factory in Leeds.

It is understood that although she was referring to the arcane practice of wealthy cretins using packs of dogs to eviscerate a fox, she is generally agnostic about which animals tear apart which animals as long as something, somewhere suffers horribly in the process.

“I’m surprised she bothered announcing she was in favour of animals brutally savaging other animals, I thought everyone just assumed that to be the case by now,” said a friend who wish to remain anonymous.

“I was a student with her and to relax she’d stalk the corridors of St Hugh’s college and stamp on mice. If it had been a particularly difficult day, then you could often find her in her room quietly pulling the legs off puppies.

“She just loves to see things suffer, it’s the main reason she joined the conservative party.”

It is expected that once she has repealed the fox-hunting ban, she will seek to extend the practice so that the wealthy can not only hunt foxes but hamsters, cats, small ponies and immigrants.

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