Friday 5 May 2017 by Lucas Wilde

2017’s Little Mermaid finds dick-pic in a bottle


dick pic in a bottle

The Little Mermaid has been updated for a modern audience.

The film will see everyone’s favourite fish-human hybrid enjoying a care-free teenage existence, taking selfies and dabbing occasionally.

“Except it’s all underwater; that’s apparently still important,” confirmed studio executive, Simon Williams.

“There’s a bit where Ariel tries to flip a bottle to land on its base, but she can’t because she’s underwater, which kicks off the traditional Disney shite about how she’s different from other people and that’s inconvenient.

“She sings a song about it which is both shit and annoyingly catchy, so your kids will sing it at you for months.

“Then, just as all hope of a normal life is lost, she finds the dick-pic in a bottle and dreams of meeting the man who had the courage to throw it, unsolicited, into the sea.

“But then Poseidon finds out and talks about it on Facebook and calls the lad who took the picture a nonce, so Ariel tells him that she hates him and runs/swims away.

“Then she spends about three months on land with Derek before realising he’s actually a bit of a controlling shit and returning to the sea.

“Then an oil tanker crashes and wipes out the cast.

“It’s an inspiring tale for all the family, bearing in mind most families are dreadful.”

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