Thursday 4 May 2017 by Davywavy

Queen to pretend to be dead until Donald Trump has gone


Queen to play dead

Buckingham Palace has called a meeting asking everyone to ‘play along’ with pretending the Queen is dead until after Donald Trump has completed his state visit.

Palace insiders reported that her Majesty had been looking for a way to duck the forthcoming visit, and decided that just lying very quietly and asking everyone not to let on was probably the best way out.

Britain will be asked to act like the country is in national mourning when President Trump is in the country, which isn’t expected to be too difficult.

The ruse will also mean the President will not be able to ride around in the big gold coach, like he has excitedly been telling his friends he will be doing, because it would be inappropriate during mourning, and the Queen is worried he’ll leave ‘unsightly’ stains on the seats.

Prince Philip is understood to be looking forward to the visit, as he’ll be able to say anything he likes to Trump and everyone will blame it on him grieving.

“Philip and Donald will get on like a house on fire, we don’t doubt that for a second. We imagine they will become firm friends. However, Her Majesty will stage a miraculous recovery shortly after the President has left, much to the delight of the nation and the world at large” a spokesman told us.

“As President Trump believes everything he sees on Fox news we’ll just say it was done with homeopathy and healing crystals or some shit and he’ll lap that right up.”

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