Thursday 4 May 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Prince Philip ‘sick of this shit’


Prince Philip retiring

Prince Philip has finally had enough of you and everyone else.

The 95-year-old Greek heartthrob will be retiring from all public engagements as of this summer.

“Like most of us, he’s utterly sick of the general public,” confirmed palace spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“The fact he’s put up with you for this long is quite frankly a fucking miracle. I’d have had a psychotic incident by now if I’d had to spend 50 years of my life feigning interest in the opening of something like a pencil museum.

“He’s unveiled more bits of plaque than Shaun Ryder’s dentist and due to having to shake so many hands he’s pretty much kept the hand sanitiser industry afloat by himself.”

The Duke of Edinburgh will now simply be known as “Phil” and is expected to see out the rest of his days in the potting shed on Buckingham Palace lawn.

“And if you go near him, he’ll throw a grenade at you,” confirmed Simon Williams.

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